The Great Enemy – too little sleep and a diagnosis

I started this blog post at 2.30 in the middle of the night, a night where my youngest wouldn’t sleep. Seems like ages ago, but actually, it was only last night. Now that the daylight has come up, and I’ve had my first flat white, the coffee is working and I’m a new person. Well almost, because anyone who has a schizotypal personality disorder will know that losing sleep is one of the worst things that can happen to escalate symptoms.And my youngest seems to be perpetually teething and waking up constantly.

This sleep thing is actually  double sided for me. When my eldest was little, she had everything that would make a child wake up during the night and cry. Some nights we were up 30 some times. I’m not exaggerating. I counted. That loss of sleep, and never getting 5 consecutive hours, was what made me go and submit myself to the hospital.

That awful situation had a silver lining, because I got my diagnosis.  Which to many might not be a great thing to get. But for me, it was something I had been waiting for for years. I always sort of knew that I was different, and wanted a box to put it inside. Now that I’ve got my schizotypal personality disorder box, I’ve got a frame from where to work with myself. But as most psychiatrists will tell you, you are never 100% inside a box. Not one box. As every person and experience/disorder/whateveryouwanttocallit is different.

So to not experience too many of the dark and negative sides of my diagnosis, I need to sleep as no sleep brings the negative symptoms, which are not my cup of tea. Give me the positive any day. But not the negative.

So get some sleep! (note to self)

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Schizotypal body awareness challenge

My body awareness is awful. Really, really awful. Having schizotypal personality disorder, or actually something just outside that box, means that my relationship with my body fluctuates. Sometimes, I’m in control and feel at home in my body. Then, I’m in total balance. Which is my goal.

But when I’m not, it can get so bad that my hands (legs, ears, pinkies etc.) don’t feel like my own and I can’t recognize myself in the mirror. That’s when the whole seperate reality starts kicking in. More on that in a different post. I’m so used to it that by now I don’t think too much about it, my autopilot just takes me for a spin and nobody ever notices what is going on inside my head.

SO what can you do to ‘feel’ your body? All sensory experiences are options, which is anything that primarily involves the body and not my overactive brain. My brain tends to hijack these experiences as well though, food for example is not purely sensory but also a subject for highly analytical brain activities. So I’m making a list of positive experiences and will work my way through it:

  1. exercise – the hard kind that will hurt a bit and make you taste blood. Ok, maybe not every time, but that’s the gist.
  2. massage – by having someone else touch your body, to me it seems more ‘real’
  3. meditation – goal is to get rid of the thoughts and focus on bodily experiences
  4. sex – don’t suppose I need to explain that one, but practice helps

Challange: get brain to not participate analytically in any of the above activities

Will keep you updated as my experiment progresses.


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