I’ve done it since I was tiny, and I’ve done it in crazy amounts. Reading is one of my all time favorite things to do, it really does something to keep all those thoughts and ideas (ruminations) at bay and let’s me focus on a different world.
Funny how this different world if often a bit skewed and plays with norms and notions of reality. My favorite at the moment is still Murakami. His books are crazy. Guess that appeals to the crazy in me.
I love the feel, the smell and the look of old fashioned and analogue books. Nothing like going to your local independent bookpusher and finding treasures trapped inside the covers. I travel quite often though and I was tired of lugging around so much weight as I always had good intentions of reading as much as I really would like. So I capitulated and joined the digital fans. Seeing as I love gadgets, it has taking me a surprisingly long time to join the ebook reading hoards. But now I’m sold. Carry my Kindle everywhere. It’s my escape from my thoughts and ruminations. Sometimes just a break to dive into, if all the sensations become too much for my filterless self.
Reading has become part therapeutic for me, and is along with art a big part of my life. I’ll be sharing some favorite reads here in the future.
I suppose most people have body that they feel is part of them. Part of who they are. Sometimes I do too. But not now, and it’s the strangest sensation.
It’s like my body is there but not important. It’s just a necessity to make sure that my mind can move around and experience things. Recognizing myself in the mirror during periods where this is especially pronounced, can be a bit difficult. If I was an eighties film, I’d be a sci fi flick called ‘floating heads’ or something like that.
So I’m going to try some different ways to get back ‘into’ my body beside medication. First one will be meditation. 10 minutes before I sleep every night with my headphones on. It’s my second week back on medication, so hopefully this will complement. I’m going to try Headspace again, see if I can get into a good routine and keep it. It’s always those 5 weeks before you break a habit that you have to get past.
It’s the first week still, i know. Sinus infection might not be helping too much either. But my head is so heavy, and as soon as I take my tiny pill I get ever so drowsy and feel like a hangover has arrived. Instant hangover. With no drinking. Kind of a bummer. But this is just the start, and I’ve been here before, It will change a thousand time before the medication finds it’s stabile point and I start seeing life in colour again. Which I must admit that I’m looking forward to.
Sometimes it bubbles strangely in my stomach, bit like butterflies. or like the feeling before the feeling before throwing up. Or being hungry. Mostly I’m just hungry. I could eat anything anytime anywhere.
And then the irritability (which is worsened by the pseudo hangover) that makes me unbearable to my family. But I make an effort and it’s only a short time before things get normal, so we just laugh at it. Unless us adults get bickering after the kids are asleep. But still just a phase.
On the other sides, things will most likely be different and better. And as most schizotypy people know, things are always just a bit different. As if we’ve been let in on a secret no one else has. Luckily, I mostly have positive symptoms; creative thinking, high IQ and ladida like that. But this sense of the unreal taking over is what really gets to me. Which is why I’m back on meds after having a break when trying to have our second child and nursing. My autopilot is fantastic so nobody will ever know about my ‘thing’ unless I tell them. But it is a huge part of my life. I’m just lucky to have the ability and people around me to deal with all of this and lead a perfectly normal life as well. Something I think a lot of people do, but don’t tell anyone about. So if you want to share a story, comment or send me an email – will do some features of other ‘strange’ people like myself in the future on the site!
Why? Well, to be honest, I haven’t been able to find too many personal blogs on the issue and I wanted to start a journal myself. So I thought I’d do it here. And why is it anonymous? Well, there’s still a lot of tabu about the subjects of mental health. I live a (mostly) normal life with my husband, two kids. I have great family and friends, a mortgage, two university degrees and a well paying full time job. And if people knew about my diagnosis, some might treat me differently. Some. To be frank, that’s just old fashioned. But we are conditioned to think and act a certain way by society and norms are norms.
If my little blog can help change this norm and to change the tabu around mental health issues just a little, well, I would be pretty proud. Big hopes for a this little corner of life outside a box.