Another weekend is just ending and my second week back on meds is just beginning. So far so good. No side effects that are terrible – the hangovers have gone away and I’m actually enjoying the buzz a bit every night after I take my little pill. Guilty, I know it’s drugs and you probably shouldn’t enjoy it. Let’s call it a positive side effect.
I’m still having difficulty feeling my body though, just like many with schizotypal personality disorder. This was one of the reasons why I chose to go back on medication, this crazy unattachment to my body. One thing that is changing with my body, is my libido. It seems that the indifference or even repulsion that I’ve had over sex is going away. Slowly. And I’m not jumping to any conclusions, but that seems pretty good! Being in your body this way, is one of the most primal and natural situations and being able to relax in it feels pretty good. Also in my head. And also for my relationship. No surprise there, this has been a big struggle for us as it is often difficult for partners to understand the situation fully.
My body awareness is awful. Really, really awful. Having schizotypal personality disorder, or actually something just outside that box, means that my relationship with my body fluctuates. Sometimes, I’m in control and feel at home in my body. Then, I’m in total balance. Which is my goal.
But when I’m not, it can get so bad that my hands (legs, ears, pinkies etc.) don’t feel like my own and I can’t recognize myself in the mirror. That’s when the whole seperate reality starts kicking in. More on that in a different post. I’m so used to it that by now I don’t think too much about it, my autopilot just takes me for a spin and nobody ever notices what is going on inside my head.
SO what can you do to ‘feel’ your body? All sensory experiences are options, which is anything that primarily involves the body and not my overactive brain. My brain tends to hijack these experiences as well though, food for example is not purely sensory but also a subject for highly analytical brain activities. So I’m making a list of positive experiences and will work my way through it:
- exercise – the hard kind that will hurt a bit and make you taste blood. Ok, maybe not every time, but that’s the gist.
- massage – by having someone else touch your body, to me it seems more ‘real’
- meditation – goal is to get rid of the thoughts and focus on bodily experiences
- sex – don’t suppose I need to explain that one, but practice helps
Challange: get brain to not participate analytically in any of the above activities
Will keep you updated as my experiment progresses.